I had a rough year. Chris and I both lost our jobs, used up all of our savings to build a new company, my mother is very sick, my grandmother died, I was diagnosed with cancer, agreed to treatments that I didn't want, became bald and obese. All through that I shrugged my shoulders and said to myself that what is meant to be, will be. Yesterday, I found out that my radiation was going to be postponed because the huge seroma in my breast made my scans unusable. The entire breast was fluid. Although seromas can be common after a mastectomy, mine was really bleeping large...remember the 270 cc of fluid removed. I was supposed to go for a rescan Tuesday coming but my breast is filling up again so it is pointless. I am scheduled to go back March 6. If all the fluid doesn't reabsorb then that scan may be unusable as well. However, that isn't going to happen.
Anyway, I had to cancel my vacation. I fantasized about this all year. I convinced myself that if I did everything that needed to be done I would be able to go away. I just had to be a good girl. I was devastated and told the very sweet folks at the cancer centre that I would choose vacation over radiation. Then i had a big crying jag. Shortly after that I received an e-mail from someone who lost her father to cancer. Her e-mail was lovely and at no point did she wail on about her own loss. I felt like such an asshole. There I was sitting there crying because I couldn't go play in the sand.
Now I say, 'what is meant to be, will be'. The crying and anger are gone. I am totally ashamed that I was so sour about canceling the vacation in light of the following facts:
* I am now cancer-free
* All my treatments were free of charge
* All my treatments were performed by the loveliest and most professional people
* So many people die in spite of all the treatment they receive
* Too many people are diagnosed too late to even receive treatment
* I am fat because I had the blessing of plenty of food
* I was blessed to have savings to open the business
* Yes I was bald but my hair is growing back (everywhere!)
I could go on and on but I won't. I promise to remember all those people who have lost their battle with cancer and prioritize my feelings from now on. I will not participate in a pity party hosted by myself and will remember the bounty of blessings I receive on a daily basis. I apologize to anyone who had to listen to me yesterday. Thank you for not punching me in the face.
Cheers
Jeannie
4 comments:
My wonderful, lovely aunt is battling Stage 3C (maybe 4 by now; they found spot on her liver) Ovarian C. She had to cancel her dream trip to Portugal scheduled for next month. She's been told she'll never be cancer-free. She's a very youthful 76 - you'd never know it. Anyway, you aren't alone...I'm sad for both of you that you had to cancel those vacays. And I'm glad that you don't have a doctor telling you that you'll never be cancer-free again. How I wish that could be said to my aunt. She so doesn't deserve this. Love your blog girl. And whinge all you want, far's I'm concerned. Hugs!
(I had a very very light brush with Melanoma myself; told it to eff off before it got established & it decided my face was too ugly anyway and off it went, LOL.)
MB
Hi I found out a week before Christmas I have skin cancer( Melanoma). I am told it is treatable, and the treatments seem to be doing fine. I started to read your blog after I read the article in the news paper. I like your positive outlook and scene of humor. I have lost a father to cancer 3 years ago, and my father in-law was told on the 24th of December 2011 he was cancer free. They found his cancer while doing a check up and was able to treat it very early, he was very lucky.My sister has skin cancer as well, and has had a few removed off her face.
I have been watching this show on Netflix called The Big C may have heard of it, it is about a woman who finds out she has cancer and has decided to fight back and tries treatments while continuing to live life to the fullest in this heartfelt and surprising comedy. I like the message in it.
Thanks for taking the time to listen and read, I enjoy reading your blog
It's all relative my dear. You are entitled to feel how you feel at that moment.
My mom is fighting a recurrence of ovarian cancer at a young 64 years of age and as the poster's aunt above, she will never be cancer free again. And my dear sweet co-worker then told me that she felt like she was being silly when she got down about having to take a daily pill for her leukemia when she hears about my mother's struggles. Nonsense I say, each person's struggle is difficult to them at that time, at that moment.
You've had your well-deserved moment, wishing you could go on that much anticipated holiday (who wouldn't?!) and are now back to enjoying what you do have...it's all good :)
I stumbled on your blog, I don't even know where from, but Keep up the great attitude!
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