New Page

FYI...I have added another page to this blog to track my lifestyle improvements and weight loss. Wish me luck :D

The lowest of the lows :o(

I had a rough year. Chris and I both lost our jobs, used up all of our savings to build a new company, my mother is very sick, my grandmother died, I was diagnosed with cancer, agreed to treatments that I didn't want, became bald and obese. All through that I shrugged my shoulders and said to myself that what is meant to be, will be. Yesterday, I found out that my radiation was going to be postponed because the huge seroma in my breast made my scans unusable. The entire breast was fluid. Although seromas can be common after a mastectomy, mine was really bleeping large...remember the 270 cc of fluid removed. I was supposed to go for a rescan Tuesday coming but my breast is filling up again so it is pointless. I am scheduled to go back March 6. If all the fluid doesn't reabsorb then that scan may be unusable as well. However, that isn't going to happen.

Anyway, I had to cancel my vacation. I fantasized about this all year. I convinced myself that if I did everything that needed to be done I would be able to go away. I just had to be a good girl. I was devastated and told the very sweet folks at the cancer centre that I would choose vacation over radiation. Then i had a big crying jag. Shortly after that I received an e-mail from someone who lost her father to cancer. Her e-mail was lovely and at no point did she wail on about her own loss. I felt like such an asshole. There I was sitting there crying because I couldn't go play in the sand.

Now I say, 'what is meant to be, will be'. The crying and anger are gone. I am totally ashamed that I was so sour about canceling the vacation in light of the following facts:
* I am now cancer-free
* All my treatments were free of charge
* All my treatments were performed by the loveliest and most professional people
* So many people die in spite of all the treatment they receive
* Too many people are diagnosed too late to even receive treatment
* I am fat because I had the blessing of plenty of food
* I was blessed to have savings to open the business
* Yes I was bald but my hair is growing back (everywhere!)

I could go on and on but I won't. I promise to remember all those people who have lost their battle with cancer and prioritize my feelings from now on. I will not participate in a pity party hosted by myself and will remember the bounty of blessings I receive on a daily basis. I apologize to anyone who had to listen to me yesterday. Thank you for not punching me in the face.

Cheers
Jeannie

Who said cancer is boring

After I changed into the required costume I followed the pretty blonde into the cool, quiet room. She led me to the bed, encouraging me to lie down on my back. Her partner, also young and beautiful approached me from the opposite side of the bed. Covering me in a warm blanket, tag teaming, they worked in unison making sure I was comfortable, raising my knees and pulling my arm over my head. Their hands were cold but my skin was hot. Slowly they pulled my arms from the gown and ornamented my breasts to assure our time together would be recorded. With markers they made indications on my skin, perhaps to tease me or to set reminders for a later time. The more sadistic of the two brought out a needle and ink and left three tiny tattoos behind...one dot representing our time together, one dot for each of us. The whirring noise started and I began sliding in and out of the tunnel as they watched from another room. Totally relaxed I began to drift off. Before I had a chance to fall asleep my new friends came back to the room. They pulled me into a sitting position and I climbed off the table. I removed my gowns and pulled my clothes back on. We sat together discussing how and when our next visits would take place. We discussed the negative effects that could take place but felt encouraged that the positive would far outweigh the negative. We took a photo, once again, to mark the moment. We made a date to meet up again on the 27th of this month and 19 more times following that visit. I'm pretty excited about the whole thing :o)

Cheers
Jeannie